I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. I had a fine three in a row. My family is huge!

Ah - and a George Harrison streak of love lately? Oh most definitely yes. Him and Syd Barrett.

I’m lame!
I’m off now. I’ll try to put up a better entry later. See ya!

~DesolationBoulevard \Y/<3././

Pink Floyd is just amazing themselves.

Anyways – I am sorry about my past posts. I’ve just been kind of depressed and I would like to apologise. I didn’t need to flood you with angsty random thoughts you didn’t need to know about. Ah, well it’s over now.
Hmm…I believe that is it. Have a good Holiday!

When you’re inside the shell

Find what you lack

In this infinite hell

Try to find the reason

Torture is forever

Your mind commits treason

And your soul is severed
~

I lay in the grassy meadow.

I stare up at the moon.

I wish I was there.

I wish I could escape this poor life of mine.

I wish my mind would stop playing tricks on me.
~

The tears came to my eyes

My work will never be done

My life has been all lies

When will I see the sun?
~

If my dignity is taken away

If I feel lost and never found

If the rainfall urges my depression

I mind as well hear no sound

If this one thing could be lost

If only I could see my day of freedom

If only I could let it all go

My work on this earth mind as well be done

When I looked into her miraculous eyes

I felt there was a new dawn

My sorrow seethes all these lies

Like a tuneless, monotone song…
~

Perfection is not I;

For the loss of talent diminished

Years ago I felt so perfect

Even if no work was finished

I am worthless and not cared for

The universe itself hates me

What was I to have in this world?
Tell me what I am to be!
~

Can you hear me, mummy? 

Can you hear me cry in the night?
Is the pain worth it, mummy?

Did the pleasure make it all right?

Was it worth a secret?
Do your scars still hurt?
Did you have to keep it?
Is the blood still staining your shirt?

How did it feel, mummy?
The sharpness, did you feel it?
Didn’t it hurt you, mummy?
Or were the two a perfect fit?

Why did you lie to me, mummy?
Am I such a heavy bother?

Why didn’t it kill you, mummy?
How come you did this with father?

You’ve abandoned me, mummy

I’m lost and all alone

I’m never happy, mummy

Now I carry this stone
~

Like a parasite; I am the host

I just need peace of mind

It is what I need most

It is what’s hard to find

For others they are let off

I will die here, too

With no dignity; you scoff

My life is nothing to you

I hear the echoes of laughter

I shake my head and sigh

I’ll make sure I die after

The day I cease to cry

The sorrow fills my heart

You don’t care; I’m evil to you

If you could see the significant parts

Of me, you’d love me, too

So till this dirge ends

Our hatred is a puddle of lies

To think we loved stronger than friends

It makes me question: “Why?”

My dear friend –

You’ve left us all

Abandoned ‘till the end

Let the legacy fall

Oh, my friend –

You let us down!
Knocked us from our feet

On the muddy ground

You let us die

Before we lived

You were the lie

Your talent you hid

You abandoned us

Will you come back?

You feed your lust—

You tell us what we lack!

Tell us you don’t care

Break our dreams with guile;

We ridicule your fiery stare,

With anger we run for miles…

Like a parasite; I am the host

I just need peace of mind

It is what I need most

It is what’s hard to find

For others they are let off

I will die here, too

With no dignity; you scoff

My life is nothing to you

I hear the echoes of laughter

I shake my head and sigh

I’ll make sure I die after

The day I cease to cry

The sorrow fills my heart

You don’t care; I’m evil to you

If you could see the significant parts

Of me, you’d love me, too

So till this dirge ends

Our hatred is a puddle of lies

To think we loved stronger than friends
It makes me question: “Why?”
~

My dear friend –

You’ve left us all

Abandoned ‘till the end

Let the legacy fall

Oh, my friend –

You let us down!
Knocked us from our feet

On the muddy ground

You let us die

Before we lived

You were the lie

Your talent you hid

You abandoned us

Will you come back?

You feed your lust—

You tell us what we lack!

Tell us you don’t care

Break our dreams with guile;

We ridicule your fiery stare,

With anger we run for miles…
~

I can’t talk

I can’t see

I can’t walk

Will I be free?

Stumbled to the call

Life flashed through my eyes

Suddenly I fall

Yet I never came to realise

Help me!

Somebody save me!

I need help now!
I’m afraid of loss!

Thought of death

I’m going to die

The pain takes my breath

It all came as a lie

Wake up!

You’re all okay

Just a mishap;

You’re here to stay!

Swept by confusion

I feel a lapse of time

If only I could remember

The very last rhyme
~

Come back, dear

Lust is unimportant to me

I just want you to hear

I just want you to hear me

Don’t leave me, dear

For I will love you forever

I just need you to fear

Not being with me forever

I want you, dear

I want to hold you

I just need to see you again

No one else, just you

You ignore me, dear

As if I am nobody

Wandering here

Why am I nobody?

You neglect me so

But darling I love you

Yet I just had to go

I need to see you

To stop loving you

It is impossible

To stop loving you

I need you in my life

You’ve brought me to tears

You’ve broken my heart

Just to hear your voice in my ears

Would give my life a new start

Ah, yes

You

You all make me sick

You all fancy me mad, don’t you?

Well let me tell you something;

I would run for miles

On dirt, gravel, or tiles

Just to tell you

I am completely sane

I would tell you every secret

And you would have to keep it

Just so I could prove to you

I am not mad

As I’m bathing in remorse

Seething lies of force

Trying to tell you

I am not mad

Working hard to extremes

The living dead or so it seems

Just so you don’t think of me

As mentally mad

I would tell every single being

What I thought of them

Everything I was seeing

Please; I am not mad

I would spend all my money

In debt till it’s not funny

All because you think

I am quite mad

Depression takes me over

Wishing I was sober

From this constant fight

…I am not mad

Emptying the syringe

If you saw me you would cringe

Crying for no reason at all

…I am not mad

Yes…you think it all, don’t you?

Working for one lone possession

Cannot triumph this obsession

Growing to this timely session

…I am not mad

I work myself, it works me

I struggle and I try to flee

From this tyrant remedy

Believe me; I’m not mad

I scream to heaven

I scream to hell

Yes I’ll scream to purgatory

I scream to you with exciting glory:

“I am not mad!”

I’d kill myself to prove you see

I’d kill myself so I can be

I’d kill myself to rid of me

I’d kill myself to pay this fee –

Just so you can understand;

I am not mad

~

Come back, dear

Lust is unimportant to me

I just want you to hear

I just want you to hear me

Don’t leave me, dear

For I will love you forever

I just need you to fear

Not being with me forever

I want you, dear

I want to hold you

I just need to see you again

No one else, just you

You ignore me, dear

As if I am nobody

Wandering here

Why am I nobody?

You neglect me so

But darling I love you

Yet I just had to go

I need to see you

To stop loving you

It is impossible

To stop loving you

I need you in my life

You’ve brought me to tears

You’ve broken my heart

Just to hear your voice in my ears

Would give my life a new start
~

Ah, yes

You

You all make me sick

You all fancy me mad, don’t you?

Well let me tell you something;

I would run for miles

On dirt, gravel, or tiles

Just to tell you

I am completely sane

I would tell you every secret

And you would have to keep it

Just so I could prove to you

I am not mad

As I’m bathing in remorse

Seething lies of force

Trying to tell you

I am not mad

Working hard to extremes

The living dead or so it seems

Just so you don’t think of me

As mentally mad

I would tell every single being

What I thought of them

Everything I was seeing

Please; I am not mad

I would spend all my money

In debt till it’s not funny

All because you think

I am quite mad

Depression takes me over

Wishing I was sober

From this constant fight

…I am not mad

Emptying the syringe

If you saw me you would cringe

Crying for no reason at all

…I am not mad

Yes…you think it all, don’t you?

Working for one lone possession

Cannot triumph this obsession

Growing to this timely session

…I am not mad

I work myself, it works me

I struggle and I try to flee

From this tyrant remedy

Believe me; I’m not mad

I scream to heaven

I scream to hell

Yes I’ll scream to purgatory

I scream to you with exciting glory:

“I am not mad!”

I’d kill myself to prove you see

I’d kill myself so I can be

I’d kill myself to rid of me

I’d kill myself to pay this fee –

Just so you can understand;

I am not mad
~

Do you wish to view the real me

The person I’ve always wanted to be

Darling if you could only see

The even better side of me

Thoughts can never comprehend my love;

The wishes and adoration of;

The person who cares most of you

My dear can you find the clue?

I’m lost without you, here forever

When I’ll stop loving is never

I love you, just simply plain

Yet you caused my very vain

Before I take my life away

I would have something to say

I love you and it’s simply plain

Yet you cause my ongoing vain
~
All from my story “Comfortably Numb” … the poems in which the main character expresses his feelings and thoughts.
I don’t want to explain.
Nobody will read them, anyways…

I’m not letting anyone read this or they would consider me of something certainly outrageous.
I will keep denying it till the end of the world.
What is wrong with me lately?

~DesolationBoulevard

You see, I’ve always been oddly worried I might be – well, you see – insane. I mean that seriously, until I took some tests today online to reveal what I might be ‘at risk’ or ‘likely’ to have.

OCD – Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Anxiety – Well, you know – when you’re overly anxious.
Depression – Clinical; I didn’t take a test but I often get it

You see – there are some factors that might add to these, and to my thought of having ‘madness’ which I hopefully do not have.
I scored these scores for the tests, and the limits are also here:

OCD – 25, I am likely to have it because it is ’12 questions and up’ is likely. I got over the rate. I became worried. So, I took another test. Anxiety.
Anxiety Disorder – 48, the limit is 38 and up.

I can see why I had these ones, I could’ve known tacitly, but just didn’t realise it. For Anxiety, here were the symptoms that I often/usually get:

• Pounding heart – I’ve always got a pounding heart before things, and I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I wish I didn’t have it. It doesn’t help whatsoever.
• trembling or shaking – My hands, mostly, and my legs. Either this or RLS.
• shortness of breath – Hmm, I answered this due to my athsma. Could that also be a factor?
• afriad or scared – No comment, really.
• chest pain or discomfort – Again, due to the athsma. Does this worry also relate to the athsma? I think it is a good “hypothesis”.
• nausea or abdominal distress – A lot of times, in the morning when I eat breakfast I nearly throw up. Sometimes I can’t tell if I need to stay home or if I’m fine.
• feeling dizzy or unsteady – No comment. It’s straight-up.
• chills or hot flashes – Mostly the chills, a lot of times.
• constant or persistent worry – I worry too much. I worry about everything. From stupid things to things I can’t change, for example, the end of the world. Hah. It may seem silly but I am completely serious. My mom mentioned she worries like this heavily a lot, too. It could be partially genetic.
• unable to relax – It is hard to relax, I have so much on my mind from school and then all the pointless things I don’t need to worry about. Not very great at all.
• feeling of being unreal – This one is a bit different. It is true, though. I find myself questioning life a whole lot. I wonder if I am actually real, or what I am, and if I am not real, than what am I? Sometimes I don’t feel real at all. Sometimes the world doesn’t seem real. This also leads to the subject of a “Walter Mitty” situation (if anyone understands that)…I like to escape this world and fantasize far too much.
• nervous – Quite. Again, from the worrying.
• shaky or wobbly – My hands and legs, mostly.
• irritable or difficulty sleeping – Aha, difficulty sleeping. I mentioned it in my last post. I cannot sleep. I toss and turn all night, and lay awake, thinking: “Will I ever sleep?” This is because I worry too much. I can’t get anything off my mind and I end up getting low hours of sleep. It does not help since I am in school and trying to work. I am a complete zombie during the day. I am being a zombie right now! It is nearly ten o’ clock and I need to sleep soon. I honestly can’t…
• trembling hands - Here it is! My hands tremble a lot. Frequently. Mostly all the time.
• feeling lightheaded or faint – This is sort of interesting, because I feel it a lot. I drink a lot of water (quite a lot. Even my family says so.) and eat enough, I never thought this might be due to anxiety.

There you have it. I analyzed each symptom for you. Can you see why I have the right to be, well, worried about having anxiety disorder? This is very dissapointing to me.

Then there’s OCD. Obsessive-compulsive disorder. I’ve considered having it before, just because I easily obsess over things, things that are odd to obsess over and other things such as, well, normal things.
I can’t exactly analyze my results. I just remember looking at my score: 25. I then looked to the limits. It read:
12 & up, likely to be suffering from OCD.

Hmm.

Well this triggers me some thoughts.

I’ll try to explain to you some symptoms as I read over the test questions once more:

• Concerns with contamination (of germs, etc.) – Yes, yes, yes. I constantly wash my hands and use hand sanitizer. Especially now with that dreaded H1N1…
• Images of death/horrible events – Very much. It’s not pleasent. I imagine…well, I’d rather not say.
• HAVE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE FOLLOWING: (Yes)
• Fire, burglary, flooding – Yes…very much. I think of all that could happen.
• Losing something valuable – Well, isn’t everyone? But yes. Very much.
• Harm coming to a loved one because you weren’t careful enough – Ah, yes. But what am I to do? I still worry.
• HAVE YOUF FELT DRIVEN TO PERFORM CERTAIN ACTS SUCH AS (Yes)
• Checking lightswitches, water faucets, door locks, stoves, etc. – Yes…just to make sure it’s safe…
• Collecting useless objects – Quite a lot.
• Repeating routine actions a certain number of times till it feels just right – Yes. I now realise that’s probably odd to do.
• Need to touch objects/people – Certainly. As in people, not in a nasty way. I mean like – you know…if they have a fuzzy coat or something on, I want to touch it. Anything that looks like it’d feel cool, I must touch it!
• Unnecessary re-reading/re-writing/re-opening of enevelopes before mailed – Hm…I answered yes to this one…becase I re-read and re-write a lot. I’m an author, what can I do?
• Examining your body for signs of illness – Ah – no comment. But yes.
•  Avoiding colours (“red” means blood), numbers (“l 3″ is unlucky), or names (those that start with “D” signify death) that are associated with dreaded events or unpleasant thoughts – Actually, I find myself using these numbers and colours just because of their signifigance. Being an Iron Maiden fan, I use ’666′ a lot, only because of the song…not the Devil…but that is one. I try avoiding 13 a lot though, which is stupid, but I am a bit superstitious. As for the number ’7′, it is an Iron Maiden thing.
• Needing to “confess” or repeatedly asking for reassurance that you said or did something correctly? – Absolutely…even if there is no need when people scold me and say: “All right, all right! I get it!”

As you can see…the results are a bit “obvious” in a way. You should take these tests, too – if you are worried about it. Ah, but if I worry about it wouldn’t that only contribute to my anxiety and OCD? Well. I can’t say it’s a bad thing, is it? It’s not bad, right? No. I wouldn’t think so. Even if it worries (I realise I use this word a lot…) me a bit knowing I may have these “disorders” (I don’t like that word.), at least I don’t have something worse.

One other thing I thought might’ve contributed (oh my goodness, it is bloody hot in my room right now. I’m going to faint.) is…music. Music changes mood! I remember when I listened to Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” album constantly, I became depressed. I really did. Other things contributed to it in my life of course, but listening to “Hey You” didn’t make me feel any better.
I am also writing a novel for NaNoWriMo – guess what it’s about?

Yes. A mentally ill musician.

Since it is in first person point of view, I must put myself in his position. I have to think like him. You can see where I’m getting at, yes?

Well. That was all I wanted to “announce” I suppose. It is interesting to find out these things…but it worries me, again! Anyways, I really need to attempt at sleeping tonight. I can’t be a zombie anymore. It’s making me not do my schoolwork and fail my classes…not good.

~DesolationBoulevard \Y/<3././

Listening to: “Set Me Free” – The Sweet, Desolation Boulevard
Thinking About: Topic, homework (once again!), what to draw
Mood: Extremely tired from falling asleep at 1:00 AM last night!

So, my friends, can doodling on schoolwork/homework be a terrible thing?
Well. I ought to display an argument here.
If somebody drew a realism amazing picture of say, Brian Connolly from the Sweet on the back of their homework, that wouldn’t be a big deal. A teacher would be in awe that their student could draw that way. I’m guessing that, anyway.
If a student has all the work done with all the expectations filled on the work, but there are doodles around the page, does it matter? The student did their work, they did it very well, but yet they doodled Iron Maiden logos and cartoon Randy Rhoads’ and Brian Connollys…(Who said I was talking about me?) ON THEIR WORK!
“Oh my, this is absolutely not acceptable! You’ve done the work correctly and gotten all the points but you’ve doodled allover your work! Shame on you!”
Do you see where I’m getting at?
I don’t think, if the student completes every task needed for the assignment, that doodling should matter. They are simply making amusing pictures (and sometimes long epic poems and lyrics…? Again, is that just me?) on the work that is completed.
I’ve had teachers, from my experience, get a laugh out of my doodling. I’ve been doing it and so far they haven’t made a big deal about it.
HOWEVER – if you are getting bad grades in the class and the assignment is poorly done with doodles allover it, I assume it wouldn’t be a very good thing.
I’m looking over my papers right now! Ah, I doodle too much.
NOW: if you are a doodler, I suggest something!

• Only doodle in the class you are best at
• If you are best in that class and get good grades and complete every task needed on an assignment, doodle away
• Don’t doodle too excessively, I only do it in the margin

So, doodlers, I hope you follow that advice because it is quite all right. If you doodle once from my suggestions and the teacher tells you not to do it ever again, I say listen! It’s not a big deal. You can bring extra paper to class if you absolutely need to doodle/draw something. It’s good when you need to get thoughts out of your head!
If the teacher doesn’t say anything when you turn in work with doodles, then go ahead and do it, but again, keep it in places where your work isn’t at, for example, the margin.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: Don’t you dare doodle! I know that is probably unacceptable! Elementary, middle school, and highschool, I say is quite all right – if they don’t tell you to stop it. If they don’t say anything, it’s obviously not bothering them at all. Teachers would tell you if you needed to fix that.

That’s all for now! I hope this helped in some way to someone, either way, the topic stuck in my mind.
Cheers!

~DesolationBoulevard \Y/<3././